on staying

i have a choice? am i allowed to have an opinion? i could send the food back and request what i ordered? do people care about me, and will they like it when i share my thoughts and feelings?

but what will happen to my safety net? will it stay intact? i'm told what's the worst that could happen? i need to be bolder and stand up for myself. naive, i listen and see the hope of what could be if i shared my thoughts and the world didn't end. i sway my own self towards a narrative i've never seen through a strategy i've never tried. maybe it's all in my head. maybe it will work out just fine. all i have to do is try.

so, i try.

instead of comfort, i'm met with hate. instead of understanding, i'm met with violence. bruised and broken, i'm called weak. ungrateful. instructed to watch my tone and know my place.

i wonder if this is what different means? silence meets me at the beginning of a path i've never been on, directionless.

what do i do now?

i nod to myself. i should've known better than to rock the boat.

—

the tarot of the divine by yoshi yoshitani is a gorgeous deck with each card representing a myth, legend, folktale, etc. for this specific post, the 2 of wands popped out. now, in general, the two of wands is about vision, future planning, taking a leap of faith. in the RW tarot deck, there’s only one person in the card; however, in yoshitani’s you can see the split between two very different decisions.

we can tell the ambition is still there because the figure is drawn in movement, but it’s unclear if they are walking upstairs or taking step down from the main floor. yoshitani’s interpretation of the 2 of wands is the idea that we’ll be challenged with stepping outside of our comfort zones. the slight hesitation is the very human feeling of uncertainty when it comes to the unknown.

the mythology that yoshitani pulls from is the story of janus, the roman god of beginnings, gates, transitions, doorways, and duality. the duality implies that with every beginning there is an ending. what will the key open? we won’t know unless we take that next step and for some of us, that may be one of the most challenging decisions yet.