discernment is painful

if there's anything i've learned over the last seven* years, it's that deciding to show up is the hardest part. there are so many moments in therapy where i think i'm "fixed," only to realize i've unearthed another level of shit to unpack. where do all of those feelings even come from anyway?

i level up in life, and all of a sudden, another big boss pops up out of nowhere. the only difference is that each time, i only have to start from the previous level and build from there. although, to be fair, it took me till my thirties to figure that system out so clearly, i had to replay certain levels several times (i'm looking at you, boundaries).

when i realized i had my own shit to worry about, i rarely judged others for their actions or decisions. empathy came quickly when i stopped expecting people to respond the same way i would in any given situation. it still hurts sometimes because i’m human, but i'm able to keep things moving and maintain my sense of agency.

i remember that i have a choice. people are going to be who they are going to be - they're going to make the choices they want to make. the difference this time around is that i am, too.

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*when i pulled my deck out the first card on display was the high priestess, and i think for this reflection piece it’s an appropriate one. when i originally wrote this it was in the midst of processing deep grief, harm, and finding ways to build my way out of it.

i’d not learned how to listen to myself or set boundaries with other people. past me was all about keeping the peace for everyone else but me. each time i’d pull cards and the high priestess would come out, i’d greet her almost as a joke ‘ok girl, i get it,’ but over time, the true nature of the card began to make sense to me.

listening to our own intuition and inner voice doesn’t mean we’re going to make the right decisions all the time. the idea is that whatever decision you make based off of your own will and inner voice is the one you’ll be able to stand by and figure out regardless of the outcome. because the choice is yours. it always was.