let’s talk about grief
This is a rework of an older piece I’d written after battling two years of back-to-back funerals, two of which included my mom and my brother. The original piece held a lot of unprocessed hurt, anger, and, well, grief. Several months ago, I unpublished the piece because I felt it didn’t reflect where I was anymore, and, to be honest, it felt a little too aggressive. Now, I can see it through a different lens. It’s not that I haven’t experienced fewer funerals; in fact, there have been quite a few. But maybe it’s an insight that comes with more time and understanding.
So, for round two, here are some things I wish people had known while I was grieving.
First, there’s not a lot to say, so please, don’t worry about it too much. There are plenty of articles that can coach you on the “right” thing to say or horror stories of people who’ve said the “wrong” things. Aside from outright harm, if your intent and impact are to show compassion and condolences for your friend who just lost one of their people, saying something in general, no matter how simple you may think it will be, will be just fine.
Offer to listen to a story when they’re ready to share. I’m a bit of a delayed processor, so it takes me a minute to put words to my feelings. When I was in the middle of planning or handling logistics, my emotional brain wasn’t fully there. It was nice to have people who would sit with me in the quiet moments and let me talk story. For your friend or loved ones, it may look like they’re handling things well in the moment, but sometimes giving them an opportunity to know they’re allowed to share when they’re ready helps, too.
If you’ve been through a similar experience, it’s okay to say so. From personal experience, it is actually quite comforting for you to share if you have also lost someone before because the loss itself is so specific. Showing emotional vulnerability towards someone grieving can help them feel seen. Or at least know that someone else is making the effort to understand their current situation.
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As with all articles in the observation deck, each one has been updated with a tarot reflection. For this one, I show a set of 3s - the 3 of cups and the 3 of swords. The 3 of cups represents celebration, community, togetherness whereas the 3 of swords represents what can happen to a heart grown cold.
Grief looks different for everyone yet its weight and how heavy it sits on our hearts is universally known. As someone who has experienced so much loss in so little life, I know now that it is far kinder to myself to grieve in the love and arms of the people who care for me rather than to turn away and think I can handle it all on my own.
